Friday, December 14, 2012


There is no title to this post. I don't even know what I would call it if I had to name it. I can barely form a coherent thought regarding the recent events in Connecticut. My heart is so heavy. My mind racing. My soul searching.

I complained too much today. About things so insignificant that I'm actually embarrassed. I got frustrated with a fellow driver on the road when she cut me off. I was short with my toddler. All for what? There are countless people who would rather be in my shoes tonight.

Too many moms cannot even stand up, stricken down in complete mourning, as I stand and wash our dinner dishes. Too many empty children's beds tonight as my sweet boys sleep soundly, safely in their rooms. Too many husbands, like mine, who work so hard to provide for and protect their families, feeling helpless today. Knowing they cannot protect their loved ones from everything. Too many people's holiday season will never be the same.

I do not pray often. But, I found myself praying today. Eyes closed, hands over my face, crying and begging God to watch over those children and their families. Probably because I do not know what else to do. But, what am I praying for? No amount of prayer on my part will bring these innocent people and children back. I suppose I am praying that you really are at peace when you pass. Praying that any pain or fear those sweet babies felt today immediately vanished. Praying, hard, that there really is an afterlife. Because the thought of those kindergarteners' lives being over.... just over.... makes me more afraid than anything else in this life. I cannot even imagine what their parents are feeling. It is absolutely unfathomable.

All of my thoughts and prayers to the children and staff of Sandy Hook Elementary.

Monday, December 3, 2012


I am often asked if we are done having kids. When we got engaged everyone wanted to know if we had set a date. Once we were married they had to know if we were having children. Once we had Kendan I thought maybe we were done being questioned... nope. When are you having another? Really, people? Now that we have Damien I thought, surely, all the questions have been asked. But, "are you done having kids?" seems to be at the forefront of a lot of people's minds. The real answer is, I don't know.

After we had Kendan I wasn't sure we should have another baby. He was amazing. He was adorable. I wanted to do nothing other than sit and rock him. But, there was, of course, endless crying and sleepless nights and first-time mom anxiety. Having your first child changes your life so completely, in the best ways and in many unforeseen inconvenient ways. In addition to the typical upheaval of normal life, Kendan was colicky and dealt with many allergy issues we were unaware of for months. And, just to make sure we had our hands full enough, Craig got moved for work only six weeks after Kendan was born. Needless to say, one kid was pretty much all we could handle for the foreseeable future. More children wasn't off the table for me but it wasn't a definite. Craig was done.

Then came Damien. Not planned, but not unplanned. He really came at the exact right time for our family. Again, amazing; again, adorable; again, endless rocking. Enter, crying and lack of sleep and anxiety. Thankfully, we were more aware of potential allergy issues for Damien and, as a result, ended up with a much happier newborn. However, we now had a toddler to help snap us out of the dreamy, night-owl, day-napping, snugly, calmness of bringing home a fresh baby. And, the life we had come to know as normal with our first "baby" was, once again, completely changed. What happened next? We got moved again. Why not? We're kind of like professionals by then.

Life has settled down; we are back to routine. Two kids and all! Can't even remember what it was like with only one baby. And countless diaper changes have more than wiped clear my memory from before kids. I have two happy, healthy children. I am through breastfeeding and almost out of the woods on formula at $23 a week *eye roll*. One is almost mobile and the other surprises me daily with how self-sufficient he's becoming, undressing himself before bath and putting himself on the potty. They both sleep 12 hours at night and even nap at the same time in the afternoon. I take them everywhere with me. Both of them. I still haven't bit the bullet on sending Kendan to a day program and have mastered the art of grocery shopping with two kids. Life is good. Some days are better than others; but, they are all manageable. But, we all wanna know... are we having a third?

I want to have another child when I think about being pregnant. I love being pregnant. You don't think about losing weight or being skinny, you just feel beautiful. You feel kicks, and hiccups, and a head, and feet. All of that adds up to someone who will be the most important thing in my life. I have healthy pregnancies. I don't take that for granted. It makes me want to do it again because I feel blessed and as if I owe it to those who are not as fortunate.

I do not want another kid when my toddler has had an accident in his pants, I have poop on my hands from wiping him off, and the whole time I am rinsing out his underwear my infant is screaming relentlessly from the next room.

I need another child as Damien grows out of Kendan's old clothes and I pack them away. This cannot be the last I'll see of my favorite 3 month outfit with the frog on the butt, can it? My heart sinks. Memories of both Kendan and Damien in the same pajamas, the same shoes, the same onsies, flood me. As Damien moves into Kendan's old 12 month clothing I think, "didn't Kendan just wear these?" And I realize that he is growing entirely too fast, no longer a baby, and Damien is right behind him. That's it, I need another one.

I don't want more children when I think about our next move. Finding another house, within our price range, with one MORE bedroom sounds impossible. But, physically making the move, packing and unpacking, with three kids is more than daunting. It was difficult with two kids; hell, it was hard with just one! No, two kids is plenty, thank you.

How could I not want another baby when I see my boys playing and laughing together? Adding a third would be a lot more work, yes; but, it would be exponentially more fun. It would be so amazing to see the dynamic the three would have together. Another boy? Oh, I'd be in heaven! Adding a girl to my two boys.... I'd be in heaven. That's such a cop out. But, truly, I think either would be the exact sibling we'd want.

I am sure I don't need more kids when both of mine are the same time. It's heartbreaking, it's exhausting, it's days on end of sitting on the couch with them (ok, that part's not so bad). They can't sleep well, they don't eat well, and I clean up a lot of messes *details are being purposely left out for you, the reader*. Worse? When I'm also sick. I cannot imagine having the kids I already have when I'm ill, please don't add another.

One thing is certain.... I am uncertain. I am undecided. I waiver. I am happy with my sweet, lovable boys. They are smart, funny, mischievous, reasonably ornery, healthy, crazy, happy, and they're all mine. I have my hands full, my calendar full, and my heart full. But, the thought of being done with newborns breaks me. Their smell, their sleepy smiles make my insides brim over with warmth. The thought of who they'll become, will they be like their older sibling(s)? Just knowing that this mini miracle is because of you and your family. It's overwhelming. And I cannot be done with it.

Scratch that thought... Kendan just pooped his pants.