Saying Goodbye

We moved from Kansas City to Dallas just under two years ago. It was our fourth big move as a couple, our third move for my husband's job, our second move with Kendan, and Damien's first. All of our belongings have been packed and unpacked more times than I care to think about. We have left behind so many beautiful homes and a lot of renovations and hard work put into them. Two nurseries have been disassembled and set back up in a new house; never fully capturing the love we poured into them originally, but cozy all the same. And so many goodbyes have been said to the most wonderful friends. So it does not come as a surprise to us that we are moving. Again. The plans have been in motion for over a month now. My husband has already been living and working in our new destination city. A beautiful home has been purchased and made ours, ready to be filled with our stuff and our memories. Preschool is all set up for Kendan on the other side. The movers will be at our Dallas home next week. And we are, once again, exchanging farewells with amazing friends. 

In some regards, I've become an expert at this. Drawers and closets have been raided for anything that can possibly be donated. Utility companies have already received a termination date from us. Grocery shopping was almost immediately cut in half as we attempted to eat everything out of our fridge and freezer. 

I was even able to quickly remove my emotional attachment from our current home; a skill I taught myself after it almost broke me in half to leave our house in Indiana. The excitement and joy I feel when we move into a new home takes a nose dive once I realize we are leaving it. Suddenly the cracks in the walls, that one stain on the carpet, even the tiny spiders who set up residency in the corners of our bathrooms, leave me feeling unattached and ready to move on. This detachment does get relief though as I walk out of the home once it's been emptied of our belongings, our life, of us. That part is hard. But it is quickly replaced with giddiness as the movers unload all of our boxes in our new house. Giddiness and stress when I realize I now have to unpack all of those boxes (but seriously, why don't the movers stick around and help me put all of that stuff away? Jerks). 

All of my "expertise" aside, there is still one aspect of moving I have not mastered. Saying goodbye. It never gets easier. It starts with telling our closest friends that the time has come for our family to uproot again. Just as those roots had begun to spread and wrap around these {still somewhat new} friends it is time to let them go. This part is sad enough but doesn't feel real when we discuss that we will still be around for a couple months. But that time goes fast. And suddenly it is one week before the end and the casual play dates we make have a solemn undertone. The last one. The last time our kids will play while we are living nearby. Never exactly sure as to when we will see them again. Instantly, everything feels nostalgic. One last walk with the friends we took many strolls with through paths in parks. One last weekly playgroup with people that welcomed us into the neighborhood a couple years ago. Even one last hour of sitting at a friend's house while our kids destroy the place in an effort to play with every toy in sight. It's all important to me. It's all memories I will cherish forever. Then the time is up. Someone is ready for lunch or needs a nap. And we officially have to give our fiftieth and final hug. Taking one million pictures of our children embracing. Secretly thanking God that they're still too young to know to be devastated by this. And wiping the tears off my cheeks as I reaffirm to my friend that we will return for visits (and we really will; you're never rid of me!). 

Today is the last full day at our home for my boys. Tomorrow I fly with them so they may stay with my in-laws during the moving process. But today we spend our time doing everything at this home one last time. Every thing. This morning was Kendan's last time to descend the stairs into our living room lit only by the sun peeking through the closed blinds. Into my room to wake his {still sleeping} mother. The last time I make Damien his requested "waffle sausage" in this kitchen. His final time to raid this pantry for crackers and cookies and dry cereal as a snack only ten minutes after breakfast. The boys will play in their playroom at the top of the stairs and will never see it again after tomorrow. Tonight will be the last bath time in their Batman themed bathroom. The last time I will tuck them into beds in separate rooms since they'll be sharing a room in the new house. 

While all of these final rituals have me feeling sentimental, it's not the house I'll miss. It's the boys in it. The time we all spent here as a family. This feeling of conclusion is only amplified by all of the farewells we said this week. I am so thankful that, along with all of the boxes and furniture, we get to take all of our memories and lifelong friendships with us as well. 

Shhhh!

There wasn't anything especially different about this evening. In lieu of dinner, the boys and I did pop popcorn and watch a movie; I suppose that's not normal. But our typical routine of play time, bath time, and bed time followed shortly afterwards. Kendan had no issues with it, aside from not wanting to clean up the playroom or go to bed. But I noticed Damien was getting easily upset, having mini meltdowns at every turn. It could have been his lack of nap today, but it occurred to me that he didn't have much of a dinner. At two and a half years old, my son can eat far more than a child-sized bowl of popcorn as a meal. In fact, he eats more than anyone in the house! He will eat a waffle, strawberries, a cup of yogurt, a sausage link, and a hard boiled egg for breakfast; only to scoot up to Kendan's chair and finish off the leftovers once his big brother has left the table. So I decided it would be best to feed him before he slept. 

We said good night to Kendan, whose hunger was clearly satisfied as he willingly and cheerfully crawled into bed. I brought Damien into his room and whispered to him, "Let's go have a snack," as I dressed him in pajamas. His face lit up! "A snack?" he asked. "Shhhh!" The last thing I need when it is already past the boys' bedtime is to have them both downstairs in the kitchen goofing around. I softly explained to Damien that we needed to be quiet. To whisper. His sweet voice got lower and lower as he attempted to mimic the exact volume of my voice. Not quite getting it at first and continually testing whether he had it by asking, "Mommy?" I would gently remind him to whisper and when he finally said it again, in the sweetest softest voice, I answered him, "What?" His face exploded in a smile. I almost told him "Shhhh" just to be sure the excited grin didn't turn into a squeal. But he held it in.

We made it to the kitchen and I gave him grapes, almonds, a graham cracker, and a cup of water. He thanked me in his previously mastered whisper and I began to wash dishes. For a few moments I even forgot he was there. Aside from a mouse like chewing noise he kept very still and quiet. Then it dawned on me: I've never done this before. I've never sneakily spent time with Damien. He has never been out of bed while Kendan has been in bed. Sure, Kendan owns the house when Damien is napping during the day. But never the other way around. This was very special time with my youngest. Our first stolen moment past bed time to bond over secret crumbs all over the table. I immediately sat down across from him and purposely gave him my undivided attention. He smiled again, cracker between his teeth. Damien made flirty eyes and soft giggles as he diligently ate his snack. I was correct, he had to be hungry because he ate very quickly. He stopped only one time to take a sip of water. Drinking from a cup without a lid is a newer privilege for him since he can finally do so without spilling it all down his shirt. I watched as he held the cup between his adorable, puffy hands. His fingernails just past the point where they need to be trimmed. He placed the cup back onto the table and used his index finger to wipe away a droplet of water on the corner of his mouth. He went right back to eating the last quarter of his cracker. Being the master of procrastination that he is, the last three bites took him as long as the first ten. But I didn't mind. We were on borrowed bed time time. Just me and him. I snuck one of his grapes and he picked up the whole bowl and said, "Eat all of them," in his tiny whisper (grapes are not his favorite). I had to laugh and it came out a little louder than I had advised him to speak. He took the opportunity to chuckle loudly himself. The last of his cracker was in his mouth and I broke the news that it was bed time. Never being one to miss out on a calorie, Damien slid the two leftover almonds into his hand to bring with him on our short return to his room. They were gone before we made it there. 

We were very quiet when we closed his blinds and said his prayers. He snuggled his head into the blankie on my shoulder and we slowly rocked for a minute. I was grateful for the tiny amount of time with my sweet boy. One grain of sand in our hourglass spent teaching him to whisper and me soaking him in. Time used to flash grins at each other and share a secret. A secret he's not old enough to boast about to his big brother, but at the perfect age to know it was different and special. 

First

This is an open letter to the new mom I saw shopping at Target today. 

Dear New Mom, 

I can tell you're a new mom. I can spot it from 100 miles away. I am not an expert parent, far from it, but the novelty of your situation was very obvious. Maybe it was the giant diaper bag and the giant purse... and the huge draping swaddling blanket that was not currently being used for anything. Or, perhaps, it was that you had your husband carrying all of that stuff while you held the infant carrier. The fact that you had your husband with you at all, on a weekday, speaks volumes. 

Maybe this is the first time you've left the house with your new family member. Not sure what you'll need, you decided to bring it all. I've been there. Not sure how it will go without support, you made your husband go as well. I've been there too. In no time at all, you'll be strapping your child into the front of the cart knowing full well you can just buy some crackers, wipes - hell, even a diaper - off the rack if you really need it. And it'll just be you and your son. No need for the extra hands. 

I first noticed you while we were waiting to use the family bathroom; we were standing just outside the door. I could hear your sweet infant emptying his lungs as he screamed incessantly. Maybe this is the first time you've changed him in public. By the amount of time it took and the fact that your doting husband was in there as well, I think it's safe to say it was. I definitely remember how that felt the first time for me. Sweating as the baby screams. Your hands shaking as you fumble around with a diaper. How is this so much harder in public? It just is, Mama. But, one day your son will exclaim that he needs to use the potty and you'll be asked to stand outside of the stall while he completes the task on his own. All grown up. 

My children and I were eating in the food court as I watched the father of your child walk out into the parking lot, his hands still full of everything your child might need on your short trip to the store. But, no bags. It did not appear as if anything was purchased. Maybe this was your first trip for some fresh air, as I like to call it. Let's be honest, it's for your sanity. To make contact with other adults. To be reminded that there are things, other than your beautiful baby, going on in the world. Target is also my choice for a sanity saving break; well done. This may have been the first time you've gotten lost in a store, with no intentions of buying anything, just for a change of scenery. But, it won't be the last. And then one day, your adorable child will be attending preschool. The time-wasting visits to your favorite places will feel more like errands and will go much faster than you ever knew they could. And you'll miss having your baby with you. 

I concluded that your husband must have been pulling the car up since you did not leave the store with him. I also decided that he was officially amazing for that and all of the other things I witnessed him doing (way to go, Dad!). You walked up to the table next to ours in the food court to watch out the window for your ride. You and your first child. Your first child who you get to experience every milestone with for the first time. Whom you will learn what it means to be a mother for. Whose first tooth and illness will keep you up at night and whose boundless energy will make you want to nap in the middle of the day. The first person you will think of in the morning from now on. This may not be your last child. But, he is your first. And that changes everything. Even a simple trip to the store. 

Thank you for taking me back to that time in my life. The very sweet memories of many firsts with my amazing son. You're doing a wonderful job, Mama. God Bless! 

Four

At the time of Kendan's birthday one year ago, I was consumed with a fear that I was forgetting him as a baby. Occasionally, those feelings resurface since both of my boys are learning and doing new things all of the time; moving further and further away from being babies. I try not to let it overwhelm me, as it did before. Instead, I have been in awe of who Kendan is today. He's a kid! A real kid. No longer a toddler, far from a baby. Four years old. And as heartbreaking as that can be, it is also extremely fun and exciting. 

Kendan has blossomed in ways I never expected. He isn't as shy to dance or sing out loud. We are all serenaded by the Frozen soundtrack on a daily basis. While listening to it in the car a couple weeks ago, Kendan was too tired to sing along and was sucking his thumb... except for when there was a humorous line in a song. He'd pop his thumb out and cheerfully sing the punch line with a grin on his face. He gets it! It's so fun. I have to laugh when I look over and see his lips pursed out as he randomly plays air guitar during breakfast. He's not afraid to let us see how silly he can be. Kendan's doing wonderfully in school. He has made so many friends and is adored by his teacher. I believe preschool helped him come out of his shell. He is also not too shy to attempt holding his little girly friend's hand at the park or to sneak his arm around her back while they suck their thumbs. He's sly, that one! 

Kendan is always on the move these days. Whether it be on his scooter, balance bike, tricycle... or just running... All of this energy has left any resemblance of nap time in the dust. He will come downstairs in twelve different outfits as twelve different characters instead of just resting. I have to take cuddle time when I can get it. It is rare but absolutely treasured when Kendan asks me to cuddle him. Absolutely, buddy. Forever. 

With this new grown up behavior comes some grown up attitude. Is there a book on how to more effectively communicate with my kid so that we can get on the same page? I'm sure there is. We have had countless yelling matches and disagreements. As always, my parenting style must evolve as he does. However, I have been on a learning curve with this age. I pray for patience and it still eludes me. Instead I am flooded with a lot of sass from my child and more frustration than I can sometimes handle. This is just the truth; it has been difficult lately. Some days are better than others. But, there has been a disconnect between us. I believe we will be better for this in the end. Both he and I. Our relationship is growing. As he gets older and begins to have his own ideas of how the world works, it is my job to allow him to explore them but keep his boundaries in place. We are both learning.

I was feeling a little down about how our interactions had been going the day before Kendan's birthday party. His refusal to wipe a grimace off of his face, combined with him literally telling me I was "no fun" as I completed a very tedious craft for his birthday, made me worried about how the next day would go. We had planned a Silly Hat Party for his playgroup the Friday before his birthday. We had homemade cupcakes, each of them with their own silly hat topper. All of our friends wore different hats and everyone got to decorate a visor with glitter glue. It was a lot of fun! All of the little details I put so much time into turned out great. But, most importantly, Kendan was so happy! He played and smiled and was polite and noticed all of the effort put into his party. He was grateful. And extremely sweet about it, telling me, "Thank you, Mommy! You're the best Mommy in the world!" I was happy to have my amazing boy back and to celebrate him! 

Kendan's actual birthday fell during Spring Break so we planned a day riding in the electronic cars at the mall and then home for lunch where I asked him his interview questions for the year. We picked up some cupcakes for after dinner and spent the evening opening presents with our family on FaceTime. It was perfect. And, again, he was so grateful! No matter what strife we encounter in our relationship I can always recognize my sweet boy from his gratefulness. 

Blowing out his candle on his actual birthday! He was one happy boy!

Kendan, 

You remind me every day how fortunate I am to be your mother. You are truly hilarious, imaginative, sensitive, goofy, and sweet. You have taught me more about patience and unconditional love than anyone else. Even in our most trying moments I could crumble at the thought of how much you mean to me. You could live for a thousand years and never know how much I love you. Thank you for changing my life four years ago. 

I love you so much! 

-Mom

Recipe

I recently threw Kendan his 4th birthday party; which I will write more detail about in another post. For his party, I made homemade, dairy-free, sugar-free cupcakes. I was very nervous about this venture because, not only was it the first time I had made cake from scratch but, it was the first time I had (consciously) altered a recipe so severely. I googled plain vanilla cake and just started hacking away at it. I've been substituting dairy in recipes for years now due to Kendan's allergy but, cutting the sugar out too? I was nervous about how these would turn out. 

I wanted the cupcakes to be sugar-free because, over the last six months or so, I have gone on a crusade against sugar. I won't go into much detail on that subject; again, that's another post for another time. But, I got the impression I am not the only one who is trying to escape sugar's grip on our health. One of the mothers at the party originally passed on having a cupcake because she recently gave up sugar. I've never seen a happier face than when I told her they were sugar-free. I also received more requests for the recipe to these cupcakes than I ever imagined. I am happy to share! Especially a treat that I know I feel good about my kids eating. I'm also thrilled to be promoting sugar and dairy free efforts. And, the truth is, you'll never miss those ingredients. These cupcakes received rave reviews. 

So, here is the recipe for some yummy, much healthier cupcakes. 

Dairy and Sugar Free Cupcakes
Yield: 24 cupcakes or a 9x9 cake 

- 1 1/4 cups honey (16oz bottle)
- 1 cup coconut oil
- 4 eggs
- 1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
- 3 cups all purpose flour 
- 1 tablespoon and 1/2 teaspoon baking powder 
- 1 teaspoon baking soda 
- 3/4 cup milk (I use almond milk) 

1). Preheat oven to 325°F. Grease 9x9in pan or line muffin tin with liners.

2). In medium bowl, beat together the honey and coconut oil. Beat in eggs, one at a time, then stir in vanilla. In separate bowl, combine flour, baking powder, and baking soda. Add flour mixture to the honey and oil and mix well. Finally stir in the milk until batter is smooth. Pour/spoon batter into prepared pan. 

3). For a pan cake, bake for 35 to 45 minutes. For cupcakes, bake 25-28 minutes. Cake is done when it springs back to the touch or when a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. 

I hope you all have the opportunity to make this delicious dessert. Cheers to happier, healthier, and definitely sweeter lives!