The thought first crept into my brain when I became pregnant with Damien. I had spent fourteen months as a mother to just Kendan. But, it wasn't going to be just Kendan and I any more. We were about to add another life to our daily life. The memories I have of just Kendan and I are absolutely irreplaceable. Over a year of teaching him things (everything!), making him laugh, cuddling him, singing to him, taking him places .... and he'll never remember any of it. One of the best times of my life, simply because he was a part of it, and he will have no memory from before his brother came along, when it was just us. Never have I cuddled and hugged and babied so much as I did during my pregnancy with Damien. As if my time with Kendan was ending. Of course, it wasn't, and I still get to make memories with him every day. I try to video and take pictures as much as possible. But, when will he begin to remember?
Now, there's Damien. I know he doesn't remember anything to date in his life, he's only seven months old. But, I'm just so aware of that fact now it hurts. He'll never remember his brother at age two. He'll never remember my rocking him or singing to him. Gritting my teeth together so hard to keep from squeezing while holding him because I'm bursting inside. He'll never remember this house (hell, Kendan will never remember this house). Or his first bedroom; Craig worked so hard to refinish that nursery. I found myself rocking Damien the other evening, looking around his room by the glow of the night light, and saying out loud "I wish you could remember your first room. I wish you could remember this moment".
I have also burdened myself with the thought that my boys will never get to experience how I feel about them because they'll never be mothers. That is not to diminish a father's love for his children; I believe it is equal but drastically different. There really isn't anything quite like a mother's love. It's just a little sad to me that my sons will never get the full scope of my feelings for them, as much as I would like them to. It's like a type of longing that will never be fulfilled. Hopefully, they will be lucky enough to have wives who are beyond in love with their children so they may witness it. But, I think this longing plays into why I am so desperate for them to remember all of the good from their childhoods, even at the youngest possible age. I want them to remember their mom as a new mom, a mom to an infant, as a fun mom, a mom who meant business, and even a mom who could break down into tears at just how overwhelming, in the best possible way, it felt to be their mother.